


The Wonderful Watson of Oz

by gardnerhill



Series: Malamute [5]
Category: Oz - L. Frank Baum, SHAKESPEARE William - Works, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: 221B Ficlet, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Wizard of Oz Fusion, Amnesty Challenge, Community: watsons_woes, Crack, Gen, Land of Oz, Prompt Fic, Wizard of Oz References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:29:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardnerhill/pseuds/gardnerhill
Summary: Meanwhile, somewhere over the rainbow…





	The Wonderful Watson of Oz

**Author's Note:**

> For the 2018 July Watson's Woes Promptfest August Amnesty prompts. In order. All of them.

If James Phillimore's disappearance should have taught Dr. Watson anything, it was that an errant umbrella could lead to disaster. Sleeting downpour, fierce wind and having the aforementioned wrenched from his grasp flung that lesson out the window.

With an oath Watson dashed after his tumbling, soaring brolly, racing along a sidewalk that was deserted in the small hours of a rainy night save for doctors returning from house calls. The street-lamps flickered low, providing little light for the chase, and the gleam of rain on everything further distorted the field.

Which is why Watson triumphantly seized his umbrella once more, just as he stepped over the lip of a great chasm in the road, and fell in.

And kept falling into inky blackness.

Watson expected a grim end from such a long fall, but instead he landed with a surprisingly gentle bump. But he had to cover his eyes immediately as a blaze of light and warmth surrounded him. It had been a dark cold rainy night; yet when he blinked his eyes open again, warm dry sunlight of a summery day shone down upon him, and a riot of colour filled his sight. Plants and trees in every shade of green, vividly blooming flowers and rainbow-colored fruit were everywhere.

This was clearly no ordinary pot-hole.

"Oh," Watson said, " _bother._ "

 

**2.**

"The same thing happened to Princess Dorothy," Boq the village headman told Watson. The other farmers who'd gathered, none of which was higher than Watson's waist, nodded in agreement.

A white-clad elderly woman refilled Watson's tea (the drink was a vivid sky-blue and the teacup was doll-sized, but it was a superlative brew and they kept his cup full). "Occasionally visitors come here from the outside world, usually by a force of nature – cyclone, wind, earthquake, storm."

Watson thought of the sheeting rain that had started this.

"Hey! Fffwhat's thissss ffplacce?" a loud lispy voice called. To Watson's horror it was coming from his umbrella, who seemed to speak by opening and closing in short rapid flaps. "Thisssfff isssn't London! It'ffsss dry and ffsssunny!"

The woman in the white peaked hat only nodded. "That happens here too, sometimes. But you'd best go to the Emerald City, where Princess Ozma can help you."

"We'll be happy to take you there," Boq said. "My son Qob will guide you."

The white-clad woman kissed a startled Watson's forehead. "Now no wicked thing can harm you."

A beaming farm-girl gave Watson a basket of bread, sausages, and apples. "For your journey."

"Thank you all." Watson got into the tiny wagon.

In hopped the umbrella. "I'm ffsstill usseffful, Watssffon! You'll need ffssun fssshade!" said the brolly.

 

**3.**

The yellow-brick road was a good deal safer than when Dorothy had first arrived, and in better repair. After two days' travel in farmland and forest with only one incident (an encounter with a Kalidah which the umbrella frightened off by leaping at the creature and flapping madly – "You're as reckless as I," Watson said admiringly to the bashful shade) and a ferryman happy to take them across the river for a farm-sausage, they approached the magnificent green city – where a delegation took them to the palace.

Princess Ozma looked like a 10-year-old girl, but had the same wise eyes of the old woman in white. "I saw you in my Magic Picture, which shows me what I ask."

Watson eyed the picture. "Show me 221b Baker Street."

He saw Holmes bent over a map and laughing. "Soon this land will be mine! Foolish people!"

Watson blinked. He'd been missing for nearly 3 days and Holmes not only didn't care he acted very strangely…

"Picture," he said with a sudden burst of insight. "Show me _Sherlock Holmes_."

Not that laughing fellow over a map, but a dark cavern. Holmes sat in his shirt-sleeves against a wall, unshaven. He was a captive. An imposter who looked like Holmes was at 221b–

"This is why I'm here." Watson glared.

"Me alffssso!" flapped Brolly.

 

**4.**

Ozma looked sternly at the picture of the captive Holmes. "Where is Roquat?"

Again they saw the false Holmes laughing over a map in Baker Street.

"Roquat, Your Highness?" Watson glared at the imposter.

"A wicked Nome who once ruled the underground people," said the girlish ruler. "He's clever – keeps escaping banishment and tries to conquer other kingdoms. He once turned me into a jade grasshopper." Perfectly matter-of-fact. "He's somehow found a way into your land. This calls for a royal council meeting. But first we must rescue your poor friend."

A maid buckled a large jeweled belt around the princess' waist. Ozma faced the picture. "Show me Sherlock Holmes."  
  
And there was Sherlock Holmes, huddled against a cave wall.

She made a gesture.

And here was Sherlock Holmes sitting on the floor, blinking and covering his eyes from the light with one forearm.

Watson crouched down, too relieved to be startled by sorcery. "Holmes, you're safe. We both are."

One cold hand gripped Watson's wrist. "Watson, thank God," his friend whispered. "I'd feared – "

"Miffssster Holmeffsss!" Brolly hopped up and down, flapping. "I love it here!"

Holmes lowered his arm and stared at the talking umbrella. Then looked around at the splendid fairy palace where he'd been brought by magic. "Watson. We are in a foreign land."

Watson grinned. "Brilliant."

 

**5.**

Among Ozma's councilors were another little girl, a scarecrow, a lion, a tiger, two metal men, a hobo, and an old farm couple (as human as Holmes and Watson).

"Roquat the Red's in our world?" Princess Dorothy asked, worried. "That's terrible, Ozma!"

"The Nomes probably helped him," growled the Tiger. "They tried to conquer us before."

"That's a cowardly thing to say without proof, friend Tiger!" snapped the Lion. "You're just upset because you're hungry."

"We leave the Nomes a-lone and they leave us a-lone," the round copper man said in a tik-tok voice.

"What if they get rich starting a war?" asked the farm man. "Wouldn't be the first time that's happened."

"Henry, for shame!" snapped his wife. "Folks here ain't like the robber-barons who took our farm in Kansas!"

"We should use our brains!" said the scarecrow sternly.

"We should still be kind," reminded the tin man.

As the three newest arrivals (Brolly included), the Londoners said nothing while this bizarre Parliament argued around them.

Ozma sat calmly amid the squabbling and disagreement. Only when it died down did she say pleasantly, "Consensus?"

The shaggy man spoke. "Roquat has powerful outside magical help. Not the Nomes, they're happy underground. Take that away and he's caught again."

"His own belt won't summon him," Ozma said. "Picture, show me Roquat's benefactors."

 

**6.**

Martha Hudson looked straight up at the kitchen ceiling. "Something's not right, if you follow."

Bridget nodded, tears in her eyes.

Billy was angry. "Mrs. Hudson, how _can_ Mr. Holmes laugh so in his rooms when poor Dr. Watson hasn't been seen for near a week?"

"If he hadn't lost his appetite I'd say the man's got no heart!" Bridget wailed.

Hudson stared. "Appetite?"

Bridget produced the breakfast tray. "He ate some. But I coddled his eggs to coax him, he loves them so, but he didn't even eat the food _touching_ the eggs, as if they're poisoned!"

What did Mr. Holmes always say?

He wouldn't be cheerful if Watson were missing, and if this was part of some plan by both he'd at least feign distress.

Either Mr. Holmes was mad, or he'd rowed with the doctor, or … or that was not Mr. Holmes.

She looked at the breakfast tray. Toast and bacon nibbled. Fruit untouched. Eggs given a wide berth.

If he were worried he'd avoid food altogether. If he needed solace food he'd begin with the coddled eggs.

Fruit and eggs, the life-bearers of the mortal world. Poisonous to the fae.

However improbable…

Hudson looked grim. "That man's a changeling."

"Oh what do we do?"

Cold iron, or–

She picked up an egg from the wire basket.

 

**7.**

"Phanfasms," Ozma said upon seeing the beautifully-dressed creatures in the picture, like an image from Lord Dunsany's Elfland. "Wicked creatures. Masters of transformation. This isn't the first time they've aided Roquat."

Watson nodded. "If they're wicked, Your Highness, that's all the impetus they need to find a way in our world and throw us into chaos, because we're not a magical land. No doubt they mean to start by transforming into trusted authorities and turning them into pariahs by their deeds. Then they appear like this, as benefactors, and put us all under their thrall."

Everyone looked at Watson.

"Brilliant deduction, old man!" said Sherlock Holmes.

Watson grinned. "Simplicity itself, my dear Holmes." His thorough knowledge of fantastical literature, a genre Holmes avoided, was no doubt helpful.

"Fsssmart, Watsffsson!"

"But once Roquat is no longer useful…"

"They will destroy him too." Ozma looked grave.

Watson nodded.

"So we must defeat Roquat to save his life."

Watson touched his forehead. "Send me in the front, Princess. They can't harm me."

Dorothy smiled, her own forehead shining. "I have the Witch's Kiss too. We can go together."

Sherlock Holmes looked anxious. Uncle Henry patted his shoulder. "You have to get used to it, son."

"Fsssend me alfsso!"

"Tomorrow." Ozma smiled. "Our visitors must rest first. Prepare food and beds, and let them bathe."

 

**8.**

The trouble with magical creatures is that there are ways they can attack without causing physical harm.

So next day when Ozma sent forces via the magic belt to contend with the First and Foremost Phanfasm – troops that included Dorothy Gale and Dr. Watson – the wicked creature did not harm them. Transforming someone into an ant is not, strictly speaking, harmful. Watson stared at an ant his own size, still bearing a glowing spot on her forehead. "I'm having a very strange week," he sighed, and Dorothy tapped his head with an antenna.

Brolly, brave as its former owner, charged straight at the Phanfasm, flapping furiously – and now flapped overhead, a black butterfly.

"A worm, I think," the First and Foremost sneered as Holmes stepped forward.

Fortunately Holmes had spent the night reading THE ROYAL HISTORY OF OZ instead of sleeping, and when the magical being aimed at him he shouted " _Mellifera_!"

The magical blow was not stopped, but changed. And the wicked Phanfasm now faced not a tiny worm but a furious 6-foot honeybee that flew straight at the sorcerer.

It seems even wicked immortals are afraid of being stung, and the First and Foremost shouted and panicked, control lost for a moment. And disappeared.

All of them – ants, butterfly, giant bee – returned to Ozma via the wonderful magic belt.

 

**9.**

In the Throne Room Ozma held the First and Foremost with a thin golden thread looped around its waist – for neither male nor female could be discerned of this beautiful, terrible being. "This line belongs to Glinda the Sorceress, who is more powerful even than myself," the girlish ruler said soberly to her captive. "You already know that struggling will not free you. Now return my friends to their correct state."

Glaring, the Phanfasm leader nodded at the row of insects.

"Are you quite all right?" Watson asked the little girl who no longer looked like an ant.

"I've had worse!" Dorothy laughed. "That was very clever, Mr. Holmes."

"Thank you, Your Highness," Sherlock Holmes replied gravely.

"That wasssh fffun!" Brolly was no longer a butterfly but still very much alive.

The other councilors gathered round them, happy at their friends' return.

"Sher-lock, my dear boy," the round copper tik-tok man said in a monotone. "Do you re-quire as-sis-tance in re-tur-ning home?"

Holmes blinked and looked at Tik-Tok. "For a moment you sounded like my brother."

"I am My-croft," said Tik-tok. "I am in this a-va-tar."

Holmes and Watson stared at each other. "Er," Watson said. "How did you…?"

"The Di-o-ge-nese Club has a ma-chine in the cel-lar. We vi-sit o-ther worlds."

After the week they'd had? That was completely believable.

 

**10.**

They didn't need to fight Roquat; "Good old Mrs. Hudson!" Holmes said proudly when Ozma called up 221b – where the former Nome King in his true (short, round) shape howled as the landlady, Billy and Bridget pelted him with eggs.

"Poor girl, she'll be hours scrubbing raw egg off everything in the parlour." But Watson was as happy as his friend.

Taking pity, Ozma summoned their enemy into the throne room, to the shrieking consternation of the household who saw their foe vanish. Roquat was in no state to fight back as they wiped off the toxic egg, and did not require Glinda's golden thread to hold him.

"After this morning's work? I'm ravenous." Holmes nodded at Watson's words. "Permission to use the kitchen, Princess? I'll make my old Army special."

Ozma smiled and nodded, and both men left.

"I'll never forgive you for this outrage, inept fool!" hissed the First and Foremost. "No magical peoples will ever aid you again!"

"Return to your solitude!" Ozma sent the Phanfasm back; the golden thread was empty.

"At least feed me first!" Roquat cried. "I'm hungry!"

The Londoners returned with a smoking-hot covered dish.

"That smells wonderful!" exclaimed Dorothy.

Watson smiled. "Lunch is served! The spices are purple, but it tastes delicious."

Holmes uncovered the tureen. "Curried eggs, anyone?"

Roquat emitted a bleat.

 

**11.**

The long dark hall stretched endlessly. Clad in an immaculate suit, Watson peered down the corridor, anxious, alone. Where was everyone? Vanished? Stolen?

A glowing yellow candle approached him, bobbing, its flickering light illuminating the angular face of the similarly-clad man holding it.

Watson sighed. "I'd feared I'd lost you again."

Holmes peered down the long dark corridor. "And you did get lost. A magical palace is even more disorienting than a human-built manse. The great hall is in this direction."

###

Roquat had been dismissed back to his underground exile, now painfully aware that he could never again recruit other armies after offending the First and Foremost Phanfasm. With the crisis past and their inadvertent visitors assured of a speedy trip home afterwards, the celebratory feast began. The food was splendid; beautiful flower arrangements adorned the settings for non-eating Oz citizens, including Brolly and the copper clockwork Mycroft sitting with Holmes and Watson.

"I feared the Nome King had un-der-ta-ken some mis-chief when you both van-ished." Tik-tok's copper head swiveled neatly to face his brother. "I am much re-lieved that we may re-turn in peace."

"And then I fear I must explain a good many things to Mrs. Hudson." Holmes looked unhappy.

Watson patted his shoulder. "I'm very glad that wind blew me here, Holmes – just when Roquat stole your body."

 

**12.**

**ACT V.**  
_The Emerald City Throne Room. Enter Ozma, Holmes, Watson, Mycroft, and Brolly._

_Oz._ Now, friends, that foe of gentle Oz, the Nome  
Called Roquat, once again is banishéd,  
And those of you conscripted to our shore  
May to your hearth and home return once more.

 _Hol._ Your Grace, I give you thanks for your swift act  
That swept me from this creature's noisome cave.  
Friend Watson, we'll to London by her hand,  
And Mycroft, to your club by your command.

 _Myc._ Dear bro-ther, all our trials are at an end  
Our tra-vels, your cap-ti-vi-ty, your friend  
Sent here by wind to lead you home a-gain.  
Once I re-turn, this Tik-Tok crea-ture's freed  
With his own clock-work mind and moves to heed.

 _Wat._ How now, dear Brolly? Why these tears like rain  
That runneth down thy ribs and sable sides?

 _Oz._ Methinks thy stalwart friend is loth to go  
Back to the land wherein no magic dwells,  
And it lose mind and voice and will at once,

 _Brol._ 'Tiffss true, good Ozzffma! Now I've learned to ffeel,  
Muffsst I return to mindleffss ffsssilk and fssteel?

 _Wat._ If Ozma gives her blessing, fearless shade,  
You may remain, to give these people aid.

 _Oz._ Then gladly do we welcome you to Oz,  
First Sun-Protection to the Royal Head!  
Now Picture, show me Britain.

 

**13.**

1919

Holmes poured tea and proffered honey without a word. He did not want to break the spell. Watson had slept the whole night through despite the pounding rain that in the past had so often awakened him with remembered horrors in the trenches. And he was quietly smiling, not stone-faced or screaming as was still too often the case when he awoke.

"Had a good dream last night," Watson said, answering the question Holmes did not ask. "Silly, and full of color, and magical. And my umbrella talked. It had a lisp."

Holmes leaned forward across the table. "Tell me."

Both men's tea went cold as Watson spoke and Holmes listened. The beekeeper laughed at hearing how he himself had transformed into a giant angry honeybee at some point in the dream.

"I know they're just children's books," Watson concluded, ruefully nodding at the bookcase. "But they're charming, and it's amusing to see how Americans tell a fairy tale. They've been a comfort out in the garden, or nights when I can't sleep. And it seems they've entered my unconscious mind enough to affect my dreams."

Dreams where rain and wind was a magical portal to fairyland instead of a sound identical to gunfire and whistling bombs was not a regression but a blessing, a balm…

Holmes smiled.

A Baum.

**Author's Note:**

> The 2018 Watson's Woes August Amnesty Prompts, in order:  
>  **1) Picture Prompt:**   
>  Use this however it inspires you.  
>  **2\. All In This Together.** Teamwork takes center stage today.  
>  **3\. I Know My Holmes.** Holmes is acting strangely guilty... or something like it. Watson needs to solve the mystery.  
>  **4\. Around the World in 80 Days.** Set your work in foreign parts.  
>  **5\. I Didn’t Start It!** Feature infighting, squabbling, or an argument in today’s work.  
>  **6\. Special Appearance by Holmes and Watson.** Spotlight a supporting character of your choosing. Holmes and/or Watson can appear, but only briefly (less than a paragraph, or a few sentences).
> 
>  **Trading Places, Trading Spaces.** It’s AU time again, folks. Choose an AU idea from the list below and let it inspire you today:
> 
>  **7\. Job Swap:** let two characters trade canonical roles.  
>  **8\. Insect AU:** Butterfly Holmes? Preying Mantis Watson? What bugs, what world – it’s up to you!  
>  **9\. AI AU:** Make at least one character an artificial intelligence.  
>  **10\. Cook/Chef AU:** Iron Chef? OSS operative turned master chef, a la Julia Child? What kind of chef would Holmes and/or Watson make, anyway?  
>  **11\. Gothic Romance AU:** All danger, all romance, all creepy moors and old castles and family secrets… Wait, didn’t we just have this in HOUN?  
>  **12\. Another Author AU, aka Call Me Boswell.** Write any version of Sherlock Holmes in the style of another author.  
>  **13\. Your OWN AU:** If you’ve created an AU before, revisit it! (I chose my post-WWI Retirement fic series [Malamute](https://archiveofourown.org/series/24557).)


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